Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
You Might Also Like
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
The photographer’s assistant
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
This kid is a star!
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’