Every BBC series about the universe.
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She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
#catsoftwitter
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.