Justify your alcoholism by having children.
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Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership