Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
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oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
Stop sending me this shit.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.