[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
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I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?