I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
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DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
🤣
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.