*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
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I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar.
They didn’t planet that way.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business