Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
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*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
What about second breakfast?
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
Mad Max Arctic Road
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis