[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
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Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
uh oh
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay