In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
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Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos