One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
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Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
When you’re here for the treats.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy