maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
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The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
And then there were 4
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.