A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
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gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
I identify as an antique shop.