A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
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What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Who wants to be my Valentine?
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
this post was so formative to me
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”