Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
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A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
Mornin
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.