Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
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HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?