daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
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Always leave them wanting their money back.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
much to think about
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
when there are deer in the woods
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Me buying fruit and veg
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways