[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
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FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.