Beauty and the Beast
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Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Good dog. ❤️
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
“Sheer Arrogance”
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name