I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
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eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
True statement👍😏😁
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.