The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
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I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
one of
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.