zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
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“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.