Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
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I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
uh oh
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
lol
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*