Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
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“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three