my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
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If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.