Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
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If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Expect the unexporcupine.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.