[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
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Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Employees must applaud the planets.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
how to market bottled water to dads
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.