I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
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Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
gm
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine