she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
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Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
Ok, but like, how married are you?
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.