Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
You Might Also Like
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Milk Cube
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
WHO DID THIS?
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say