upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
You Might Also Like
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Delightful if true: booby trap.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Does it…does it take 3 days
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.