I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
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SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes