Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
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Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS