I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
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“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
lol
Jurassic park gets weird
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week