Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
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My back has gone out more than I have this year.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
How I like cutting carbs
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
Hot Hot Hot
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?