My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
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My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that