Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
You Might Also Like
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.