You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
You Might Also Like
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Being a lawyer is so funny because someone will have their dog off the leash at a park, barreling towards my dog, and jog screaming “oh, he’s friendly” and I’ll scream back “And you have strict and total liability if he isn’t” and suddenly they turn into Usain Bolt
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building