me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
You Might Also Like
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”