Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
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What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Oh my God.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.