Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
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ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
synchronized noseblowing
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.