Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
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I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.