And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
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They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
R.I.P.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”