*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
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I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”