me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
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You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically