If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
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How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro