when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
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Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
im 7 sauces long
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.