Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
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Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%