me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
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Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
everyone’s a critic
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
english majors be like furthermore
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
he’s sick of your bullshit today
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*