Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
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If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Oh. My. God.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?